I hate him, I love him

Life doesn’t always seem to be worth living, but it is. My dad has been emotionally abusing me ever since my mum moved out and life is a struggle sometimes. I love him to pieces but he makes me feel so worthless and then I feel guilty, guilty for existing, for not being the daughter he so desperately wants. I want to live with my mum but I feel so guilty, I feel like he has to do something worse like hitting me before I walk out. I’m scared. I dont feel safe and I feel like absolute shit. I’m sorry this is not particularly cheerful, but I needed to open up somewhere. I will get through this, I know I am not the only one going through this.
Lots of love,
Stay strong XOXO