Mixed emotions…..

I am fine. Confused, yes. Anxious, yes. But I am coping, and I know I can get through this, that everything happens for a reason and the challenges I am facing are helping me to learn and evolve as a person.

My mum recently moved about 40 minutes away as opposed to 5 minutes away, which was a difficult transition, but I feel I am coming to terms with it. I don’t know how to feel about my dad and I am just taking each day as it comes, however I have been spending most of my time home alone which has been nice.

Today has been a bad day in terms of anxiety, but binge-watching Downton Abbey wrapped in a duvet is a great thing to do after a really awful panic attack. Not that there is any such thing as a good panic attack!

I feel prepared to deal with whatever comes my way, although I am questioning my thoughts and decisions so I go from confused and invalidated to ‘yes I can do this’. I feel negative about my body, and have struggled with thinking I am too fat for a long time. Today was a particularly notorious day for that. I am not anorexic but I do feel guilty about eating and I am not happy when I look in the mirror. I was on a thinspiration blog today that I swore I would never visit again, but the compulsion was too great. I am going to keep away from it and try to focus on being healthy and not skinny.

So a weird few days, I have mixed emotions about it all, really. But it is nice to have some me-time, to look after myself, which is key for anyone with a mental illness. I will get there, I will be happy with myself and learn to control my anxiety. I am on the road there, I am just not there yet, but I wont give up hope. Stay strong everybody and sorry for the essay, this week was something I needed to address and explore as it has been strange in many ways. Earlier I just was not people-ready but wanted to drop off gifts for somebody and normally I am a chatty, sociable person, but today every time I saw somebody I freaked out, and I’m sure nobody even noticed, but it was like someone had tied a knot in my chest. A weird day, what I call an anxiety day, like a sick day, but because of my anxiety. Thanks to Downton Abbey for soothing my frayed nerves.
Much love Xoxo

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