Mixed emotions…..

I am fine. Confused, yes. Anxious, yes. But I am coping, and I know I can get through this, that everything happens for a reason and the challenges I am facing are helping me to learn and evolve as a person.

My mum recently moved about 40 minutes away as opposed to 5 minutes away, which was a difficult transition, but I feel I am coming to terms with it. I don’t know how to feel about my dad and I am just taking each day as it comes, however I have been spending most of my time home alone which has been nice.

Today has been a bad day in terms of anxiety, but binge-watching Downton Abbey wrapped in a duvet is a great thing to do after a really awful panic attack. Not that there is any such thing as a good panic attack!

I feel prepared to deal with whatever comes my way, although I am questioning my thoughts and decisions so I go from confused and invalidated to ‘yes I can do this’. I feel negative about my body, and have struggled with thinking I am too fat for a long time. Today was a particularly notorious day for that. I am not anorexic but I do feel guilty about eating and I am not happy when I look in the mirror. I was on a thinspiration blog today that I swore I would never visit again, but the compulsion was too great. I am going to keep away from it and try to focus on being healthy and not skinny.

So a weird few days, I have mixed emotions about it all, really. But it is nice to have some me-time, to look after myself, which is key for anyone with a mental illness. I will get there, I will be happy with myself and learn to control my anxiety. I am on the road there, I am just not there yet, but I wont give up hope. Stay strong everybody and sorry for the essay, this week was something I needed to address and explore as it has been strange in many ways. Earlier I just was not people-ready but wanted to drop off gifts for somebody and normally I am a chatty, sociable person, but today every time I saw somebody I freaked out, and I’m sure nobody even noticed, but it was like someone had tied a knot in my chest. A weird day, what I call an anxiety day, like a sick day, but because of my anxiety. Thanks to Downton Abbey for soothing my frayed nerves.
Much love Xoxo

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I hate him, I love him

Life doesn’t always seem to be worth living, but it is. My dad has been emotionally abusing me ever since my mum moved out and life is a struggle sometimes. I love him to pieces but he makes me feel so worthless and then I feel guilty, guilty for existing, for not being the daughter he so desperately wants. I want to live with my mum but I feel so guilty, I feel like he has to do something worse like hitting me before I walk out. I’m scared. I dont feel safe and I feel like absolute shit. I’m sorry this is not particularly cheerful, but I needed to open up somewhere. I will get through this, I know I am not the only one going through this.
Lots of love,
Stay strong XOXO

Troubled times

I am sorry for the depressing tone my blog has taken, but my anxiety has been incredibly debilitating recently. Some days it has been difficult to get out of bed. At least for all the unsupportive people that are supposed to be my family, I have tons of supportive friends who are by my side through thick and thin. My blog will hopefully be a little happier soon X

You might not believe me, but I’m trying my hardest not to fall apart and that’s why I’m not myself any more.